Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Groucho Marx
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Groucho Marx
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx